


A Heart Divided

by sneakronicity



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Drabble, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-23
Updated: 2012-04-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakronicity/pseuds/sneakronicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short Guinevere character drabble during Merlin BBC episode 4x09</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Heart Divided

**Author's Note:**

> A/N since this episode finally made me quit watching the show, I wanted to fix it a bit in my mind. May continue at later date, but I think it works as a standalone. Also, do not own anything.

Somehow she managed to keep it together. When he had removed his helm to reveal a face she never thought she would see again, she had been noticeably shocked, but so had everyone else present. But as the minutes passed, she had managed to smile and cheer with the rest of them, to play the gracious queen that they all expected her to be, that she would be in only a few days. On the outside she was grace and joy, on the inside guilt and heartache.

Somehow she had managed to hold it together. Despite the gnawing in the pit of her stomach and the painful pounding of her heart she had managed to sit politely at supper and listen to his incredible story. With such a story nobody noticed her silence, nor the way she alternated between avoiding his gaze and being unable to take her eyes off of him. All eyes were on him, their attentions riveted, so hers went unnoticed. 

Somehow she had managed not to break. Even as Arthur walked her home she had claimed fatigue from the excitement of the day as the cause of her distraction. He too was still dealing with the shock so he had accepted the excuse easily and left her be. He couldn’t know the inner turmoil that was threatening to tear her apart; he didn’t understand just what Lancelot’s miraculous return meant to her.

Only when the door closed behind her did she slowly let herself fall apart. She tried to hold it in until Arthur was safely away, but her knees buckled and she sagged to the floor, leaning heavily against the oak door behind her, the sobs painfully wracking her body. 

She could still remember how she had felt that night, watching his sword and cloak burning upon the pyre. Guilt had threatened to consume her as the flames consumed his belongings. She hadn’t known, she hadn’t realised, just how much he had loved her. She had used that love to protect Arthur, had asked Lancelot to do everything in his power to protect her prince, and that was exactly what he had done. He had given everything he had, everything he was, and it was all for her. He didn’t die for Camelot, nor for Arthur; he had died for her. She still had Arthur but she had lost him.

It was perhaps what hurt the most.

She loved Arthur dearly, more than she had ever loved another, but in that moment she had realised that she could never love him with her whole heart. Part of it had died that day, part of it burned upon the pyre. She had done well to deny it in his absence, to drown herself in thoughts of Arthur, but flames and guilt had strong powers, and with them came the truth. She still loved Lancelot, she always had, and she had realised it too late... or so she had thought. 

Now, somehow, by some miracle he had returned and... how was she to deal with this knowledge? She was to be Queen, Arthur’s queen, Arthur whom she loved; but she would not be if not for Lancelot, who had given everything for her. How could she look him in the eye and not weep? How could she see him every day in court and ignore the racing of her heart?

How could she love two men at once? And, more importantly, what was she to do about it? ‘Follow your heart’, people often advised, but how does one follow a heart so divided?


End file.
